06 November 2007
03 November 2007
my longest post yet
I know we all feel this way: I have a million things I should be doing right now other than blogging. For instance: moving the sprinkler, making returns, paying bills (yuk), filing paperwork (more yuk), sorting todays junk mail into shred it/trash it piles, caulking my bathroom to prep for painting. shower (only two days since I've washed my hair, not too bad really). Write notes to people. That list just gets depressing, so instead, I'm taking a few minutes to write down what I'm enjoying and learning today.
I had a moment of peace and comfort today as I put my son down for his nap. He fell asleep in my arms drinking his bottle. And frankly, i didn't really care that it is a big "nono" in my babywise world. His eyes calmy shut, snuggled in the crook of my arm, his swollen lips barely parted. (they are swollen because of a major fall yesterday where his teeth busted his lip open) And his calm, rhythmic breathing lulled me to an intoxicated state, reflecting on God's good gifts. I honestly had my heart tugged at. I've had a hard week with JG. Maybe it is because T has worked 84 hrs this week and last week, maybe it is because JG has been consisitenly waking up crying at night, sometimes several times a night, maybe it is because God is teaching me how uncaring and selfish my heart is. I think I'm beginning to break. After so many months praying for patience and love, maybe these quiet moments of feeling my heart tugged on need to be paid attention to. Maybe it is okay to just be 'girly' and cry when I'm touched by the happy and sad moments in my life, to enjoy fully every gift that God gives and turn every sorrow and trial in life over to Him.
On a sadder note, I was walking by my neighbor's house and noticed that his garden gate was left open. Since his truck was gone, I thought I should close it for him so no one wanders into his back yard. It was the first time I'd been to his house since his wife and my friend Jo died 5 weeks ago. We've talked, I've seen him at work, we're in touch, but I have to tell you. The glimpse into his back yard made me cry. That gate pushed open a lot of sadness I think I've been holding back or not sure how to cope with. Jo has been so influential in my life. Her ability to make others always welcome in her home, to make wonderful food and atmosphere and beauty around her are qualities I try to emulate (usually failing miserably). I can't drink a cup of tea in the afternoons without thinking about Jo's little yellow tea pot. My own yard is a work in progress, and I'd love for it someday to be something-anything like Jo's garden. That garden glimpse today made memories rise up like a tidal wave. She was too young to die at 40. She had so much more to offer. I want my neighbor and friend back; and I want her whole, not in her cancer-riddled body.
T and I always say with great joy comes the potential for great sorrow. Thank God for marriage and companionship, friendship and children. . . but I long for that sorrow potential and fear of loss to be gone from my heart forever.
I had a moment of peace and comfort today as I put my son down for his nap. He fell asleep in my arms drinking his bottle. And frankly, i didn't really care that it is a big "nono" in my babywise world. His eyes calmy shut, snuggled in the crook of my arm, his swollen lips barely parted. (they are swollen because of a major fall yesterday where his teeth busted his lip open) And his calm, rhythmic breathing lulled me to an intoxicated state, reflecting on God's good gifts. I honestly had my heart tugged at. I've had a hard week with JG. Maybe it is because T has worked 84 hrs this week and last week, maybe it is because JG has been consisitenly waking up crying at night, sometimes several times a night, maybe it is because God is teaching me how uncaring and selfish my heart is. I think I'm beginning to break. After so many months praying for patience and love, maybe these quiet moments of feeling my heart tugged on need to be paid attention to. Maybe it is okay to just be 'girly' and cry when I'm touched by the happy and sad moments in my life, to enjoy fully every gift that God gives and turn every sorrow and trial in life over to Him.
On a sadder note, I was walking by my neighbor's house and noticed that his garden gate was left open. Since his truck was gone, I thought I should close it for him so no one wanders into his back yard. It was the first time I'd been to his house since his wife and my friend Jo died 5 weeks ago. We've talked, I've seen him at work, we're in touch, but I have to tell you. The glimpse into his back yard made me cry. That gate pushed open a lot of sadness I think I've been holding back or not sure how to cope with. Jo has been so influential in my life. Her ability to make others always welcome in her home, to make wonderful food and atmosphere and beauty around her are qualities I try to emulate (usually failing miserably). I can't drink a cup of tea in the afternoons without thinking about Jo's little yellow tea pot. My own yard is a work in progress, and I'd love for it someday to be something-anything like Jo's garden. That garden glimpse today made memories rise up like a tidal wave. She was too young to die at 40. She had so much more to offer. I want my neighbor and friend back; and I want her whole, not in her cancer-riddled body.
T and I always say with great joy comes the potential for great sorrow. Thank God for marriage and companionship, friendship and children. . . but I long for that sorrow potential and fear of loss to be gone from my heart forever.
01 November 2007
Lil' Ms. C.A.C.
I'm trying to get caught up on photos. Here is a shot of my little niece taken about 5-6 weeks ago.
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